


His greatest sin

by orphan_account



Category: The Infernal Devices Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Angst, F/M, It's all a mess, Jem is engaged to Tessa, Jem loves Will, M/M, Will confesses his love, Will loves Jem, heronstairs, no happy ending, proposal/engagement talk, will is sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-04
Updated: 2017-11-04
Packaged: 2019-01-29 12:24:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,073
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12631020
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Jem and Will's talk about the engagement but it's Heronstairs and there is a lot of angst.





	His greatest sin

The soft sound of music poured through the door as Will leaned against its frame.

_Jem is my greatest sin._

His own words echoed through his head as he closed his eyes and took a deep breath before carefully opening the door to his Parabatai's room.

Jem was sitting with his back turned to the door, his violin resting on his shoulder. "Will? Is that you, Will?" He did not turn around, kept playing a song Will had not heard before.

"Yes," Will said quietly, not daring to take another step towards the silver-haired boy sitting in front of him.

The music that previously had filled the room with beautiful sounds came to a stop as Jem lowered his bow and then placed his violin in its case, turning around to look at Will.

"Well, come in. You're making me nervous, standing there," Jem said.

Will felt awkward. He had never felt awkward around Jem before; _his_ Jem.

He thought it was because of the curse, the one he had thought to be real for five years, not allowing him to fully love or be loved by anyone, and yet he had loved. He had loved one soul only for the past years and it was just now that he had realized it.

"There is something I want to talk to you about," Jem's words brought him back to reality and he felt as if he was going to get sick.

_Jem asked me if I would marry him and I said I would._

_Do you love him?_

_I love him._

"And what would that be?" Will asked gruffly.

"I know I should have talked to you first, but we never really talked about love," Jem said, not able to hide his grin. "You were never really open about those kinds of feelings. But I never thought anyone could ever truly love me because of my illness."

_I did. I do._

"Tessa," Will stated instead of saying what he really wanted to say.

_Don't marry her. Can't you see, without you I have_ nothing. _She couldn't love you like I do. No one could._

But how could he say these words, when the boy in front of him looked so happy. James would break off the engagement if he knew it made Will unhappy, he knew that much. But if Jem did love Tessa and not him then his Parabatai would be unhappy.

Will felt stuck between wanting his best friend, his love, to be happy and wanting to be happy himself for the first time in five years.

"I asked her to marry me this morning," Jem explained and it felt like a knife in Will's heart.

"Did she say Yes?" He couldn't bear to look at him so he held his gaze on the floor.

"She did."

"Do you love her?" Will could barely force the words out of his mouth.

"I do." Jem smiled, a genuinely happy smile and Will's heart broke all over again.

Will had the utmost respect for Tessa and he was sure of it, that she could make Jem happy but only at the cost of his own happiness. Would it really be selfish of him? The only thing he wanted was to be happy. But Jem should deserve to be happy too, after all, he was the one dying.

_I'm happy for you. You deserve to be happy._

The words that should have been said echoed through his head and he was determined to say them, to keep his unhappiness a secret, until he looked up and into Jem's beautiful, silver shining eyes.

He remembered the first time he looked into those eyes when the silver colour had not yet fully taken over the deep brown. They hadn't been older than 12 years at the time but Will had known that James Carstairs would play an important role in his life.

"Don't marry her," the words slipped out before Will could stop himself.

"What?" Jem looked at him in surprise.

Will took a deep breath. He considered making an excuse but he couldn't lie to Jem, not now.

"I said that you shouldn't marry Tessa," he explained his gaze never leaving Jem's. 

"Will." - "Don't marry her because I love you, and I- If there's the slightest chance that you love me too then don't marry her."

Jem took a step back. "You love me?"

Will nodded, stepping closer to Jem. "I've loved you for so long, I don't even know when it started."

Jem stared at him. "I do not know what to say to you, Will.”

“I know it is selfish of me to tell you this right now and you have every right to tell me to leave but if you share my feelings, please, give me a chance,” Will pleaded.

“It is not selfish, wanting to be happy. I should have seen it. We're Parabatai.” Jem paused for a second and directed his gaze out of the window. “But what kind of man would I be, if I broke off the engagement now? I cannot break her heart, Will, but I also don't want to break yours,” he continued.

“Don't break it off, if you do not have feelings for me, you-”

“The problem is, I do. But I also love Tessa and we're Parabatai. It is forbidden for Parabatai to be in a romantic relationship. Even if I broke off the engagement, we could never really be together. We couldn't go out together. Our relationship would be reduced to our rooms. I don't want that for you, you deserve much more than that,” Jem explained, looking back at him and his eyes looked more sorry than ever.

“So you are saying that you love me, too, but we can't be together?”

Jem nodded. This was worse than any outcome Will could have had imagined. He felt a heavy pain in his chest as he stepped back. All he wanted to do was leave, make himself forget that any of this ever happened.

“Will.”

“I am sorry, for the trouble I have caused you tonight. You should marry her, she will make you happy. Just forget that I said anything,” Will said and turned around, walking towards the door.

He waited for a few seconds before opening the door, hoping Jem would say something, anything, but his Parabatai stayed quiet. So Will left, heartbroken. Maybe there had been a curse after all.


End file.
